ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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