I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
