I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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