Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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