i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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