Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize