Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
