I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
