I wish I only lived at night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I touched a dick in church today
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
