Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
