i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My feet surprised me
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
