I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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