Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
