I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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