A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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