Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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