Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
