ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize