you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
