remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
And then the night went full on bisexual.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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