is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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