I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
