i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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