yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
