so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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