Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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