I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
