He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
nutella sex= disaster
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
