Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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