it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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