i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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