I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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