Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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