Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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