did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
