O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize