Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
