I wish they made helmets for livers.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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