You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
