omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
