its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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