He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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