if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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