i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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