I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
