just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
