that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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