my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
