my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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