mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
