Who did Billy Mays play for?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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