Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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