if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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