i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
