if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
