Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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